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Seriously, does anyone have the answer?  How is it that our lives seem to be lived in a straight line of decision precedes action when somehow it appears that an action occurs and a decision happens.

And why are those actions not necessarily ones we would chose?  Sure, we all like the action of someone falling in love with us but how exactly did that action happen?  We definitely don’t like the action of a family member or loved one getting sick and dying.  Or worse, ending their own life.

Seriously, how does it really work?

I’ve been pondering life since the moment I realized that I was actually alive.  Not necessary an obvious realization.  I felt as if I had stepped back of myself and was looking at this person who was breathing and I realized, I’m alive.

Later, many years later I had to really really wonder.  If I were to leap from the top of the cathedral tower and come crashing onto the sidewalk, would I still be alive.  Oh, I knew my body would be dead but somehow I had the inkling feeling that I wouldn’t disappear as I had hoped.

Moreover, my body would be very visible for all to see.  Smashed on the sidewalk.  Nonetheless, the thought troubled me for days.  If I were to kill myself, would I then disappear?  Or would others be able to see me?  I finally came to the conclusion that because I knew it when others died, others would know when I had died.

It felt like a trap.  A trap I could not get out of ever.  I would forever be alive and yet I would forever be dying.

Perhaps the only way it really works if I try to maintain a sense of excitement and caring.  A sense of being curious and willing to experience the ups and downs of life.  A sense of surprise when I fall in love or perhaps more appropriately recognize that I never stopped loving.

The sense of loss is perhaps for me the absolutely worse emotion.  It covers my heart, enveloping it in a heavy shroud and consumes all of my thoughts and all of my hope.  It is palpable.  It weighs so much.

And nothing seems to make it go away.  Years and years after the loss of my father, I can still feel the necklace of tears if I am watching a particularly sad movie.

This isn’t apparently a uniquely human emotion.  Elephants apparently mourn their loved ones.

So, how does it really work?  Just a wild guess but I think it has to do with karma.  Those seeds planted continuously through the millennia that comes to fruition at just the right moment.  And perhaps now I’m a bit more awake and am planting more positive seeds and working at asking forgiveness for my negatives.

But, I really don’t know.

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Diamonds.  That’s what all of us are.  Rare, in spite of our increasing numbers.  Brilliant, in spite of our insistence on ignorance.  Luminous, in spite of most often being obscure.

Now if we could actually see just how brilliant we are, just how clear we are and just how luminous we are, I guess we’d be enlightened.

These diamond like qualities are the nature of our mind.  That nature is always there, but it’s clouded over.  Just like the clouds block the sun.  And yet, the sun is always there.

It’s so simple really and yet for countless ages we’ve been burying our heads in the sand unable to see.  We’ve been caught up in the endless and non forgiving ranting of our own minds that simply spin and spin like a hamster wheel.

My problems seem so real and so vast.  But bit by bit they’ve been fading into the distance as I learn that mostly it’s the spinning of my mind that keeps these problems alive and well.  That if I am able to rest quietly and not get all attached to the stories, attached to my pain and suffering, the pain and suffering does dissipate.

Even the most virulent of emotions, my two favorites being jealousy and anger, tend to wear themselves out as long as I don’t repeat over and over or add to the stories of how I’ve been wronged or deceived.

Sometimes it just seems so easy.  I see it all so clearly.  I feel I’m just next door to enlightenment.

And then I go shopping.  And the clerk gives me that teen-aged smirk and as I get righteously indignant and snap at her and embarrass myself at my own behavior, I realize that enlightenment isn’t yet next door.